Hannah's Story

As most women who have trouble conceiving could tell you, the pursuit of pregnancy consumes you. In fact, in one of my workout videos Jillian says to think of all the reasons you have to be healthy. I think of one reason. There isn't much I wouldn't do to increase my odds of getting and staying pregnant. Right now I drink pomagranite juice every morning to thicken my uterine lining, I take prenatal vitamins, I work out 5-7 times a week to keep my weight down, I do not drink, I do not take any medicine besides tylenol, I do not consume artificial sweeteners, the list could go on....

This week I have been particularly troubled, mostly because we are smack in the middle of the month. I decided to read Hannah's story in I Samuel. Although it's a familiar story that I've even taught as a children's lesson, this is the first time I have read it since the miscarriage. It took on a whole new meaning to me.

It starts with Hannah's background. She is married to a man who has two wives (let's not even touch that one). The other wife is what the women of the forum I post on call an FH, she has no problem having kids. The story goes on to say that the other wife provokes her. Boy can I identify with that! Now I can't say there are other women out there who purposely and blatantly rub their fertility in my face, but it is very painful to see women at work who are pregnant. Without any intention of doing so, they provoke me. One woman's due date is one day ahead of mine, all I hear from her is how much she hates being pregnant. What I wouldn't do to trade places witth her! Just seeing these women on a daily basis hurts my heart. I won't even touch upon the fact that I now have two pregnant students. In all my career I have never knowingly had an expecting mother in my class (well as long as you don't count night school), and this year after my loss, wham, two in one semester.

The Bible describes Hannah's infertility as her womb being closed. It is unclear whether she had losses or never even concieved. For my purposes of identifying with her I imagine that she had a loss. I never would have know the depths of my desire for motherhood if I had not lost Alex. Hannah was "distressed" and "wept bitterly" to me this degree of mourning comes from experiencing a loss.

When Hannah goes with her family to Shiloh to worship, she is overcome with grief. Even though everyone around her is celebrating, she cannot find it in her heart to rejoice with them. The weight of her unfulfilled desire consumes her. It is all she can think about (see my 1st paragraph). Her husband confronts her:
I Samuel 1:8
Then Elkanah her husband said to her, "Hannah, why do you weep, and why do you not eat and why is your heart sad? Am I not better to you than ten sons?"
On some level this speaks to the male inability to identify with this emotion. Doug and I have discussed this. He has expressed his sadness that his grandmother may not be able to see a great grandchild, his regret that we did not start trying earlier, and his disappointment that we have to go through this. From some material I've read it seeems like a loss hits a man harder once he has a child of his own, because then he realizes what he is missing out on with the lost child.

The last part really struck a cord, when Elkanah asks, "Am I not better to you than 10 sons?" Our husbands love us so, and we love them back. Hannah does not respond to this in the Bible, but as a woman dealing with similar issues I know the answer. As much as I love my husband, I know that my love for our child would only be multiplied exponentially. When I was a child I loved my parents the most, now that I am an adult, my husband has become my number one, but I have reached the point where it is time to move to the next stage, when our children fill my heart.

Hannah wept and prayed in such a manner that others thought she was crazy, a priest was convinced she was drunk. I am sure some people who read my blog think I may be crazy or obsessed, so there is another thing Hannah and I have in common.

Hannah makes a promise to God that if she bears a son she will give him back to the Lord to serve in his house. When I read that I began to think of what sacrifice I could make to ensure that God would bless us with a child. In this day and age we can't really give our children to the church. The best I could promise is that I would raise my child to love and serve the Lord. We actually prayed about this with Alex, but to no avail. If God would open my eyes to see if there is something I should give up to gain this blessing, I would surely do that. As of now He has not revealed such a plan. I will continue to pray, it's about all I can do.

At then end, Hannah has a son and calls him Samuel. She takes him to the temple to serve God. She praises God and goes on to have seven more children. Now this is the part that I find the least connection to because I am still waiting for my Samuel, but there is some truth in that once I have my first surviving child things will be different. I am looking forward to the day I can praise God for his answer to this prayer just like Hannah did.