The Answer

There are no milestones to look forward to this week. I have a clean slate, yet I will never forget what was once written there.

A constant nuissance that has been tugging at my conscience is the fear of being unable to rejoice in my next pregnancy? How will I keep the fear from consuming me everyday, especially when I get to 8 weeks, and then the first ultrasound, and then 11 weeks 5 days? And every day after that...

This is assuming I have no trouble getting pregnant again, but I am going to make that assumption, at this point I have no medical evidence to lead me to believe otherwise. Hope is dangling right in front of me, and I am taking hold of it as best I can.

When I heard the message this morning, I knew it was for me, and I knew I would write about it. The speaker even referenced the hymn I mentioned in my "Introduction" post, when I was thankfully naive about the pain of miscarriage. I was trying to wait a little longer to write, but I just keep thinking about it. O, I wish I had taken notes! Like a treasure, the answer that could quiet my nagging conscience, was dug up this morning. It was there all along, it was something I knew, but it somehow remained hidden from me.

Trust, as simple as walking into church and sitting down on the pew without examining it to make sure it will hold one's weight, is the answer. Truthfully each day of my life hangs upon it, but its constant presence allows me to forget it's there. Everyday of Alex's life was sustained by God, and when he has a brother or sister--their lives will also be held in God's hands. Each day I will trust God to get my child safely to the next. I will pray and I will trust, for this is the only shred of control I have over the situation.

"All I have needed His hand has provided." I clung to that when we found out we were expecting. I searched for it in the pain. I will rejoice in it as we enter this next phase of our journey. .

Each day, each breath, each heartbeat, each new cell that grows is in His hands, He is the worker of miracles. I don't understand Him, but I will give Him my trust.

Psalm 71: 6-8
By You I have been sustained from my birth;
You are He who took me from my mother's womb;
My praise is continually of You.
I have become a marvel to many,
For You are my strong refuge.
My mouth is filled with Your praise.
And with Your glory all day long