February is not redeemed

I went to the doctor today to have my ultrasound results explained. The ultrasound showed that our little one died at 8 weeks, I am 10 weeks pregnant. This is called a missed miscarriage, when the baby is dead but has not passed out of my body yet. They also found a complex cyst on my right ovary (I went for an ultrasound for cysts July 2009 but they found nothing, it probably ruptured and disappeared a bit before the ultrasound). I have had a couple cysts form a burst this year--I can tell by the way it messes up my cycle and the location of the pain and cramping. The doctor is hoping this one disappears when the baby passes from my body. I have to have it checked with another ultrasound in 6 weeks (just the place I want to go back to).

I have a couple of options of how to deal with this loss. I can either wait for it to occur naturally or I can have a D&C which is the same procedure as an abortion (except my baby is already dead). I am opting to wait it out for at least two weeks and hope it passes naturally. I have to go back to the doctor in 2 weeks for a follow up and if the miscarriage has not occurred I will reconsider my options. I would like for it to occur naturally because there are less repercussions for future pregnancies but I also want this to be over before I have to go back to work.

After the baby passes we can start to try again after 2 cycles.

I had it in my mind that I would explain the title of my blog on February 5th. That is the date my Daddy died ten years ago. Every year since I have dreaded this month. It doesn't matter that my mom's birthday is then or that is when Valentine's day is. When I realized my due date was in February that was the one thing that could save February for me.

After we recieved the news Doug took me to see my dad. The doctor's office is really close to his cemetary I always go there when I am sad, this is the first time I had anyone come with me though. It's nice to be there because in a cemetary you are allowed to cry and miss the ones you love who have passed on. It brought me a little peace to know that our child is with God and my dad.

Doug and I went to the park for a walk after that to talk about our plans and goals for the coming year, since now they will be adjusted without the baby (even if we get pregnant on the first try we won't be due until July). It will be a good opportunity for us to save up and get Doug closer to finishing college. Then we went to one of my favorite places to eat, Panera, and had dinner.

My mom has been here, even thought I initially told her I wanted to be alone, she wanted to give me a hug and I couldn't say no to that. I think she is hurting from the loss of her grandchild too.

I think I will try to relax for the rest of the evening. My skin burns from the tears. I am praying our baby passes soon.