I took another day off from life(I will say I did pretty good yesterday). Doug and his parents (who are visiting and staying with us from Arizona) went out to see Doug's grandma at the nursing home. I did some little chores around the house, not much at all. I was just kind of zoned out. I planned on going to the grocery store but all of a sudden a wave of fatigue got me and I laid down. I ended up sleeping for 3 hours...guess groceries can wait another day.
Today the tears were minimal. I don't know why but I kept thinking about what Alex's purpose was here on earth. I know better than to look for why the baby is gone, but I do believe there was a reason he was here. We conceived Alex around June 4, my last month of work...what was supposed to be the last month I worked at that school due to RIFs. I found out I was pregnant the day before Father's day, and I was elated. This happened to be the last week of school, when I would have to say goodbye to some very close friends (not goodbye forever but I would not be seeing them on a daily basis) and to some very special students. The joy of being pregnant trumped all the sadness and on the last day of school, I walked out with my head held high. I said no tears till September because right now it was just like a vacation. All I thought about is how Alex was the one good thing we got out of this (we started to try to conceive because my boss thought there would be an opening in a year so she suggested that having a year off would be a good opportunity to have a baby). I wonder if perhaps God sent Alex to comfort me through a very difficult time. Having him inside of me gave me strength and hope that I could get through it all. Maybe that was his purpose.
Doug came home from visiting his grandmother, but he did not have the heart to tell her about the miscarriage. He left his mom to stay with her and it turns out Doug's grandma was telling my mother in law how exited she was to be a great grandmother (we shared the news with her early because she is in poor health and we felt if anything happened to her we would want her to know about this baby, hopefully give her something to live for). Well Terry, my mother in law, is a zombie. I am not being mean, this is actually the word Doug uses for her. She had a bad episode with her OCD and anxiety about 10 years ago and has been heavily medicated ever since...it upsets Doug a lot because he does not feel she is his real mom anymore. So as I was saying grandma was talking about being a great grandma and Terry just says to her "No you're not." This is not how we wanted this to go down! I don't know what else was said but Doug found out when they went to pick her up. He did some explaining to his grandma and great aunt... I wish this could have worked out better.
Time for bed. Please keep praying this our little one passes from my body naturally and soon.
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