Pregnancy Purgatory

Pregnancy Purgatory is my new term for what I am going through. Today I went up to school to do some work and have lunch with my friend Leah.

I really am glad to be friends with Leah. We have similar growing up stories, we were both dorks in high school, we both are anal about things, we both spend hours on end at school, and we have nearly identical teaching styles, so needless to say we get along well. She has been really supportive of me as I am muddling through this, because she, too had issues getting pregnant.

Allie is Leah's daughter, and she is a miracle. I played with her all afternoon (I finished my work before Leah). I was worried about how I would feel being around a baby but I enjoyed it. Every time I see Allie I think about how special she is.

In 2007 I started working with Leah, although she didn't talk about it she was trying to get pregnant. We really became close when we started running Model United Nations together in the fall of '08. She was starting some infertility treatments at the same point another teacher who is close to the two of us ended up pregnant after only trying for two months. It was really hard on Leah, now I can really empathize with what she went though then.

Throughout the school year Leah sought treatment. She had some pretty scary hurdles to jump in order to have children. She has a unicornate uterus, which basically means her uterus is half the size of a normal persons and it was only connected to one ovary. When we went away and shared a room for the conference in February, she showed me how she charted her temperature everyday and kept track of her cycles so the doctor could help her better. She confided to me that she and her husband have sex every other day because they aren't sure when or if she is ovulating, and it was more of a chore than making love.

The doctors tried IUIs unsuccessfully, so finally they tried IVF. The medications she took made her very emotional and gave her hot flashes. One night we were working late and she asked me to use a Sharpie to retrace the circles on her back where her husband gave her shots each night. When they did the retrieval there were only 2 eggs.

We were out to lunch when the doctor called to tell her that the embryos did not look good. I was there to hold her when she cried. Because the embryos did not look good they put both of them in...but did not give her much hope that either would survive.

Once she was pregnant, against all odds, she got a blood clot and was on bed rest for a couple weeks. She was fine for a while until November, when she started to go into labor because her uterus was too small. Bed rest helped her keep Allie inside for another month. Allie was born 2 months early. She was hooked up to machines and had a feeding tube.

Today Allie was sitting up, jabbering on and on, playing with her toys, and making everyone smile. Allie gives me hope, she reminds me miracles happen.

Which brings me to my title today. Leah knew about my blood tests so she asked (I am glad she is not afraid to bring the subject up like some of my friends). I got to share the good news I just got this morning when the nurse called; my HCG came back negative! Hopefully I'll be getting a period in 3 weeks. It's really easy to talk about things with Leah, so I was explaining what I was nervous about with the start of school. What if I forgot to untell someone or what if someone spread the word about the pregnancy and the people they told still assumed I was pregnant. How do I keep from screaming at someone who says "At least you know you can get pregnant." And then I told her my real fears, I know I can get pregnant, but what good is that if I don't know if I can carry the baby to term. When will I get pregnant again and who's to say I will even be able to get pregnant? When I get pregnant will I be able to be happy or will I be worried everyday that the same thing will happen again? Will I be able to breathe once I get past the first trimester, or will there be a whole new set of fears? When will I feel comfortable sharing my pregnancy with people, who can I share with that I won't have to worry about untelling? What will we do if I can't have a successful pregnancy? I think I will be in pregnancy purgatory until I am holding my take home baby in my arms.

And then I came home and logged onto an online forum that I have become a part of. A woman there posted this quote: "Transform anxiety into excitement; focus not on the fear of what lies ahead but the possibilities you might create." This is exactly how I need to be thinking! It's easier said than done, but I will try.

My giant map in my very own classroom...a welcome distraction along with setting up the rest of my room and submitting material for copies.