Grief and Relief

Last night I had a dream. I have to go in for a follow up ultrasound for the cyst they discovered on my right ovary, I haven't scheduled that yet in real life, but in my dream I went in for the follow up ultrasound. Doug came with me. The tech had a strange look on her face which worried me, oh no I am going to have a bigger problem is what my dream self thought. The tech brought the doctor in who told me there was a mistake and they are sorry. The doctor turned around the monitor so we could see. She said the baby is alive and showed us our little one jumping around on the screen. Doug and I began to cry. I remember in the dream we left the office and we were talking about all the things we needed to do. That's all that I remember of that dream.

So fast forward to this morning. I wanted to get up and do my Jillian video, but I went to the bathroom and found that I was passing some tiny clots(flea sized) and blood. I had one big bad cramp yesterday when I was out at the store and the lightest pinkest bit of blood, so I thought it might start soon. I don't know what the rest of the day holds for me, it might even take a few days. Strangely I feel a huge sense of relief that my body is catching up to what my mind knows. Not that it doesn't scare me to go through this, but I am really glad I will probably be able to avoid surgery. I can take cramps and blood, but I have never been put under. I also feel sad that shortly Alex will no longer be a physical part of me.

Thank you Lord for allowing this to happen naturally.