Today we were supposed to announce to our church family that we are expecting. We were supposed to have an ultrasound picture to show off. Instead I am deliberating whether or not I can handle a hug from my grandmom or one of the kids at church without turning into a blubbering idiot. I don't think I can do it today.
Not everyone can understand that Alex is a real child to me. For 10 weeks I was (well technically still am, Lord please don't let this make it to 11 weeks) pregnant. I am not grieving for a fetus, I am grieving the loss of my child. I had hopes and plans for this child. I dreamed of bringing the baby home and sitting in a rocking chair reading stories. Everyweek I knew how Alex was changing and growing inside of me. Everynight Doug and I prayed for our child, for happiness, health, and a love of God. I don't care that Alex was only the size of a blueberry. Alex had a soul and was a real person...at least to me. Alex is my first child, but I am not sure if I qualify to be a mother anymore.
Now I have to walk around with a dead baby inside of me. I woke up at 3 AM with some cramping and I prayed this would be it. I begged God to let there be blood when I went to the bathroom...but there was none. I am a walking cemetary.
Lord have mercy on me and let this end soon.
Aw, sweetie, I am crying for you right now. I know exactly how you feel, and it is the most horrible feeling. I will be praying for you and thinking of you LOTS right now. I recommend the song "Held" by Natalie Grant- you can look it up on YouTube. In fact, I'll look it up and post it on another comment.
ReplyDeleteI was just thinking I wish I could hug you and cry with you. Reading your two posts made those same emotions you expressed flood back from last summer. There are no words to express how hurt you are. I often would just put my hands over my belly (womb area) and just cry "no" and "why" I am so so sorry. If you need anything, please, don't hesitate to reach out. Love you!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkwIYzp8Sok
**BIG HUGS** I know how you are feeling right now, and it's not a nice place to be. The waiting is so difficult. I too have played with the whole, "am I a real mother, or do I not qualify?!" But the fact is that we are mothers to angels. ANyhow, I wish there was something I could say to fix it all, but I know there isn't! I hope that you get through this tough time quickly so you can pick yourself back up.
ReplyDeleteAnd on a random note, I am also on a new webseries on TLC called "A conception story" I have a blog and video diary on there, and in a previous one, I wrote/talked about my feelings after my last m/c. I don't know if it would help or just conjure up more emotion for you, but if you think it would help, feel free to go over there and look!
Thinking of you!
Christina
curseofthechewedbuddah.blogspot.com
that would be....
ReplyDeletecurseofthechewedbuddha.blogspot.com
whoooops!
Thanks for the song recommendation...I always loved the chorus but I never paid attention to the beginning before. It was very comforting.
ReplyDelete